Today I received a gift.
I wasn’t expecting it.
It took my breath away.
I am loved….
But before I got to that last sentence I had a few zaps of:
I don’t deserve it.
I must seem really pathetic.
They think I can’t take care of myself, and I feel shame.
I am a failure.
This feels way too vulnerable.
I didn’t ask for it.
I don’t ask for help.
I’m the one that helps YOU.
And in that moment I caught myself and said:
“I know that is not true.”
Those are the remnants of the veneer I’ve so strongly held on to; that I am fine, that I can do it on my own, that I have got it all together, that I’ll figure it out, that I don’t need any help from anyone. Truth is, that veneer has kept me from true connection, from sharing my wholeness (the good and the mess), from letting others really see me. By keeping myself in this place I don’t allow others to express their humanity. It’s as though I’ve made this rule that I am the only one that is allowed to show humanity.
Whoa whoa whoa. It’s not a one way street.
What is true is:
While my life is a bit of a labyrinth right now as I navigate big change, I know this:
I am willing to share all of myself, especially my vulnerabilities, my weakness and my flaws.
I am courageous.
I am resilient.
I am open.
People in my life care deeply about me.
They said “let’s not ask for her permission.”
I am open to receiving this gift with the love that was intended.
I believe I am worthy of this generosity.
I am grateful.
I am not alone.